It’s been radio silence over here because there hasn’t been
much to say. Since our last update, I’ve mostly been prepping the nursery and
waiting – some days with more patience than others. I regret not posting during
the past month or so. The waiting has been harder than I anticipated, but it
has pushed me further into the Lord. You know – it’s kinda like when your Memaw
hugs you too tightly. So uncomfortable and sometimes painful, and even a little
bit scary, but you don’t doubt for a second that you’re loved. That’s what the
waiting has been like. Sorta.
I regret not posting because there is so much to be said for
the waiting. Endurance, wrestling, asking, asking again, wondering… And all of
that came to a halt for us on Tuesday of last week.
Jen, my co-worker and dear friend who I absolutely adore,
stood at my desk, asking me a question about coffee for an event, when I got
the call. I looked at my phone, looked at her, and froze. Without words, she
knew it was that call. She calmly
took a breath, looked at me, and said, “Just take the call.” And I immediately
burst into tears. The fears and frustrations of the past six months (well,
really, the past five years) swept over me, and I crumbled. “I can’t… I’m too
scared.” I silenced my phone and let it go to voicemail while Jen set down her
creamer baskets, knelt down beside me, and began to pray.
That night, after I called our caseworker back, we went to
home group and spilled the beans: a birth mother had chosen us and wanted to
meet. And as I expressed all of my hopes and concerns, the women of our group
were so quick to remind me of the Lord’s faithfulness. To encourage me to trust
Him enough to be excited. To trust Him enough to move forward – knowing that He
could just as easily take this baby away as He could place it in our home.
Praise the Lord for home groups.
Friday morning, David and I took separate cars to Fort Worth
so he could go straight to work afterwards. I wasn’t nervous. Not as I got
dressed, not as I brushed my teeth, not as I gassed up the 4Runner, not as I
belted out worship songs while navigating DFW like a champ. (This is uncommon for
me. I get lost everywhere I go. Even with the GPS on my phone.) Not until we
walked up to the front door of Old South Pancake did my stomach drop and my
heart begin to pound. Breathing deeply, I slipped my hand into David’s as we
followed our caseworker into a quieter booth at the back of the crowded
restaurant.
Do I hug her? Do I shake her hand….? Do I sit down beside
her, or is that too awkward? Will there be long silences? Can I keep myself
from crying? Is this really happening? Is this reeeeally happening…? For the
record, I chose the handshake; David gave the hug, and the five of us stumbled
around from topic to topic over greasy home cooking. The whole conversation was
so surreal. I don’t want to try and describe it, for I know I wouldn’t do it
justice. But I will say it was humbling and surreal.
After what seemed like fifteen minutes and 10 million
questions, we walked outside, took a commemorative photo, and parted ways.
David and I sat for a few minutes together in my car and tried to process, but
again, it was pretty surreal. For the rest of the day, I cried zero tears about
the whole thing - I really believe I was in shock. I had lunch with sweet
friends who came over to help with the nursery. I called my mom and oldest
friend on the phone to give them the news. I told the story over and over to
countless women at the conference I attended that evening. And not one single
tear.
Until Saturday morning. I sat in the very back of the
balcony by myself when the music started. Five hundred women of all different
ethnicities and socioeconomic backgrounds stood together, singing, “There is
power in the name of Jesus to break every chain….” And for a million different
reasons, I broke. He can break chains, y’all. And if He can break chains, if He
can move mountains, if He can conquer death…. surely He can walk me through
this adoption process. Why would I even begin to doubt, worry, fear? When He
can break chains….?
After little to no contact since our meeting on Friday, David
and I went to church and then to brunch on Sunday morning. It finally began to
settle in that he and I were, Lord willing, finally about to grow our
family. He let me verbally process to my
heart’s content while letting me sneak bites of the huevos rancheros benny he
ordered – two signs of true love. And then I went home to spend the rest of the
day in the nursery. I have some serious nesting to do, people.
So it’s kind of all happening. In a lot of ways, it still
doesn’t feel real, but we’re moving forward for sure. We are consistently asked
three main questions, and it’s just about all the detail we’ll share for now.
Nothing has been signed, and nothing is final. So until things are a bit more
concrete, we’ll give you this:
- Our birth mother is due at the end of April (as in 3-4 weeks!)
- The baby is full African American
- It’s a little girl – and we wanna name her Ruby. J
Would you pray for us? Would you pray that the Lord guides
our steps and that we would hear from Him clearly. Would you pray for our birth
mother and her family? And would you please pray for the sweet baby girl that
we hope to call ours someday soon? We trust Him with all of these things, and
we thank you so much for your support.
Love y’all!!
