The two hours I thought I was a mom.

Just wanted to post a little update to keep y’all in the loop. All facts, no feelings.   ;)

We are still waiting for a birth mother to request a meeting with us. We have been contacted by our agency about two situations that were outside of our “criteria,” but neither of them worked out. So we continue to wait and attempt to prepare.

Last week was a bit of a roller coaster. We received a phone call on Tuesday afternoon that a birth mom had chosen us for her 3-month-old, and that we should be prepared to pick up our child on Thursday or Friday…..! Holy. Cow. We were thrilled. Terrified, but thrilled. (Whoops – those are feelings…) And then two hours later, our case worker called back to tell us that birth mom had changed her mind……. I could write a ton about our feelings here, but I honestly don’t want to re-hash it. I’m just grateful it was only two hours and not two months. Needless to say, the disappointment was zero fun. 

Silver lining: those two hours were a sincere wake-up call for me. I was ping-ponging around our house making ten different lists, gathering all kinds of advice and recommendations. From furniture to childcare to maternity plans, I was frantically trying to figure out how on earth we could be parents in a matter of days. And now that we’ve been given a little more time, I’m making every effort to get it together. We are fully confident in the Lord’s provision. We know our baby will have everything that he or she needs. But in those two hurried hours, I fully felt the effects of the need to nest.

That means we are in full-on nursery mode, people.

While decorating a space is one of my favorite things on the planet, nurseries just haven’t ever been my “thing.” But over the past few days, I’ve been up to my eyeballs in baby bedding, rugs, poufs… I mean, how fun are poufs? Baby or no baby, I’m a fan of the pouf. And all the while, I see this as one more way that the Lord has changed, softened, prepared my heart for the arrival of our child. I'm excited about getting a room together - because it just means we're one day closer.

Anyways… that’s where we are. We’ll keep you posted for sure. But in the mean time, I’m drooling over this guy.

:)

The post about infertility.

There’s a song we sing at church sometimes, and the bridge goes like this:

Every step, every breath, you are there

Every tear, every cry, every prayer

In my hurt, at my worst, when my world falls down

Not for a moment will you forsake me.

And it is rare that I make through the second line of that bridge without melting into tears.

Infertility sucks. It just does. And I’ve sat down to write this entry a dozen times only to find myself too ashamed or fearful to hit “publish.” I cringe to think of offending or appearing ungrateful. I hate to maximize or minimize the pain. But it’s a real, honest struggle that I (we) have endured and will most likely endure until glory.

I didn’t understand it before. We’re not promised a spouse or a car or a home or a job. Why does anyone believe she is promised a child? When I found out that our church had support groups for people impacted by infertility, I thought, “That just seems wasteful. You don’t see support groups for single people who desperately want to get married….” Color me judge-y.

I never was the girl that always wanted to be a mom. I played with dolls as a child, but I far preferred putting on “concerts” or gallivanting in backyard forts over caring for cabbage patches. And I could play Barbie all day long, but she and Ken drove a red corvette, not a minivan. Even as an adult, as a wife, I dreamed about sculpting our home into a well-decorated nest, but I didn’t really think about the hatchlings. And still, I have always been told I will make a great Mama Bird.

The pains I have felt from infertility have nothing to do with the shattering of my biggest dreams. They are small, but real losses that just make me really sad. Seeing my husband’s eyes in the smile of my son. Rejoicing over a little, pink plus-sign and the thrill of breaking the news. Feeling a future ballerina practice pirouettes in my belly. Trading war stories of swollen ankles and c-sections and the sisterhood of surviving delivery. None of these things did I really even want – until I knew they would never happen for me. It’s isolating and disappointing. And even if no one happens to announce a new pregnancy for a while, there’s always that monthly reminder that’s decidedly more painful than it used to be.

I don’t say these things to garner your pity. That just makes me feel more alone. I say these things because they are part of my story. It is the reality of what we’re going through. The loss of something I was never promised may seem trivial to some – it did to me. But “empty arms are a heavy burden.” The loss is real. The pain is real.

Now. With all of that said. Through tears and through wincing, I can whole-heartedly say that the pain, the loss, the burden – are worth it. Because the words to that song above are true. Not only has He not forsaken me – He has been “nearer” to me than I have ever known. He has reminded me that the blessings of a child are not a reward for doing everything right – that the lack of a child is not punishment for doing something wrong. He has surgically exposed and removed things like jealousy, entitlement, pride from my heart. He has bonded me to my husband with tighter and sturdier binds. He has brought forth support from men and women who have stood in our shoes. He has surrounded us with community who may not fully know, but fully love and care. And in the worst and darkest moment of the whole ordeal, when it physically felt like the ground fell out from underneath – He instantly caught me. Wrapped His arms around me, cradled my head, and whispered, “I’ve got you... I know… I’m here.”

Reader, I say all of these things to praise my Father - to tell you just how great He is. He turns mourning into dancing, weeping into laughing, pain into joy. He never leaves, never forsakes. His love is steadfast – it never fails. His mercies never come to an end. He is patient and kind, and he cares for us….

He is a loving Father, and He is always, always good.  

Fundraising: complete.

Care for a good gushing session? Okay. You’ve come to the right place!

There are literally (and I mean that) at least a thousand things I could say I’m thankful for right at this very moment. Never before, outside of salvation, have David and I been the recipients of such overwhelming kindness and generosity. And there were so many amazing, lifelong-memory moments that happened over this weekend… I’m kind of reeling. A few times we have looked at each other and said, “Did that really happen….?” And even more, there were all of these sweet and simple moments that, in and of themselves, on any other weekend, would bring about so much joy. The combination simply has my heart swelling.

I won’t give you a list for fear of making you nauseated, but let me just celebrate one big thing right quick: We have exceeded our fundraising goal!!! We’re done. Done, I tell you! And now, we continue to wait for that phone call – that email that will change our lives forever. (Give me a break, I’m feeling dramatic…. J)

To all of you who gave ---- Thank you. To those of you who gave anonymously ---- THANK YOU SO MUCH!! I wish we could send you a thank you note or hug your neck or something, but we trust that the Lord will bless all of you richly.

Now for a few quick facts: Our YouCaring site will remain on the blog through the end of the year in case you’d still like to give. It doesn’t allow us to manually update the total to include donations by check or cash, so it’s not really accurate. But any additional donations we receive will go into savings for potential Baby Smith #2. (Eeeek!)

Our good, good Father is gracious and faithful. He is great and greatly to be praised. He is a generous provider, lavishing good gifts on His children. And I am, by no stretch of the imagination, talking about money right now. Praise His name. Like, for real.

On Advent and adoption.

It’s late on a Sunday afternoon. The weekend chores are finished. The fire is crackling and glowing. The Christmas tree is lit. And I’ve spent the last 120 minutes curled up on the couch, watching a Christmas movie while brownies for one of the four parties on our schedule this week are cooling in the kitchen and filling our house with the sweet reminder that the season is upon us. Typically, the holidays are a little stressful. But for me, this weekend feels like the first time I’ve taken a real, long, deep breath.

Almost unanimously within our circles, the past few months have been hectic and busy. I’ve found it really difficult to fully process things because it’s literally been one thing after another. So much has happened, and yet, for us in the Smith house, things aren’t really that much different. We are waiting. Like we have been for about two months now. And I praise the Lord that we’ve been so busy – otherwise the waiting might have driven me a little crazy.

The next step for us in the adoption process is getting that phone call or email: “A birth mother would like to meet with you.” And I’ll be completely honest; the thought of that phone call makes my stomach drop. To think that some brave woman is choosing to give her child life and has requested to meet us in consideration of parenting that child….. It’s just so intense to me. And humbling and scary and exciting all at once….

It feels so incredibly appropriate that during this Advent season, we wait. With the hope of a child. With the possibility that this Christmas will be our last as a family of two. With all of the warmth and joy and sparkle that come with the holiday season. Knowing that our hope is only a small shadow. That the eager longing we feel for this child is nothing compared to our desperation for Christ – both in His birth and in His return.   

We believe that He is good. We trust His timing and know that it’s perfect. And so, with hope, we wait.

We're approved!!

Quick Update:

Our agency emailed us today to let us know that we have been officially approved! This means we are included among the families that birth mothers can choose from - which means we are on the Christian Homes website - Eeeeeek!!  Go check it out: http://www.christianhomes.com/adopting-families/

And a big huge thank you thank you thank you to those of you who have donated so far. We really mean it when we say that you have no idea how much it means.

THANK YOU!!!

A little FUNdraising.

We’re getting so much closer to meeting Baby Smith, you guys. We finished our home study a few weeks ago, and now we’re just waiting on final approval. Once we’re approved, they could potentially start showing us to birth mothers…. Holy. Cow…. There are tons of factors involved, and people have been known to wait for over a year before matching, but in the absolute most extreme case ever – we could have a child sometime next month. Holy…… Cow…..!!

Needless to say, we’re working our tails off to get things ready. We know that in all likelihood, we will wait much longer than a month, but better to be over-prepared than under we say. That means we are in full-on fundraiser mode. Which brings me to YOU! If you’d like to join us in bringing home Baby Smith, you can do one of the following:

Quick, easy, online:

Visit our YouCaring site by clicking over there on the side of our blog to make a donation. 

Old Fashioned Snail Mail:

Psh.... Like I was really gonna post our address on a public blog. ;) Send me a private message on facebook or twitter, and I’ll let you know where you can mail a donation.

Fun! Fun! Music! Fun!

We are playing some music at our super awesome local coffee shop on Friday, Oct. 24^th. A portion of all drink sales that evening will go to our little adoption fund. So come out, buy a great cup of coffee, and listen to us play fun songs with our friends.

Friday, Oct. 24th @ 7:30pm

Roots Coffee House

2570 FM 407, Suite 140

Highland Village, TX 75077

http://www.rootscoffeehouse.com/highland-village/home

We’ve got a few other things in the works, but this is how you can help for now. Again, we are beyond grateful for your encouragement and support. And, as always, we thank you for your prayers.

Much love, y’all!